writing about my life

My Discovery of Feeling

with 5 comments

Feelings are transformative. They change you and while in them your sensed world shifts and changes. feelings contain thoughts, thoughts do not contain feelings because they are the lesser of the two phenomenologically. Each feeling state involves many world-picturings too, of larger or smaller realms of what is.

It’s always this word “Think” isn’t it… People should be heard to say stuff like “I’m feeling about it”, “I need to take some time to feel”, “this issue needs to be felt about” more often.

And with the opening of feeling came an understanding of how I had been defending myself against feeling with blocks, barriers, buffers, addictions etc etc (yawn). Some of the main ways I had used to defend myself against feelings were intellectual. By instituting fixed definitions for things in my world I was creating a prison. this was made of my static unyielding concepts of self and universe. It also made me dogmatic and tending to lecture, and agressive when someone challenged my sacred precepts.


In the limitlesss infinite all finite concepts are useless

I don’t hold the concept of a universe in my mind. I am *in* the real limitless, beyond any representation. I don’t define myself, as eastern traditions say the self is beyond form.

the big change: dropping intellectual defenses to realise a

magical-universe )—( personal-emotion


this transformed my personal reality. I spilt out of my fixed self-vessel, and the universe split like fluid out of the broken vessel I hade conceived it to be. There were also other fixed concepts like “society” and “reality”. in another way these were “word-use-habits” too, and like a vessel a habit can also imprison.

sometimes when I need safety I can lapse back into this defence a little bit, plus I can take an extra pill.

But now I am better at taking each situation on its own merits, while I am in a situation or a set of feelings I am more immersed in something that is a totality reaching all around me. I can even lose the overview or perspective of where and when I am more, and again I feel this overview was sometimes a constriction or a defense against feeling lost or scared.

I now see how others feelings set you off, also. Like on a bus: one person makes a gesture or movement, or coughs – then you or another is “triggered” and so on – this is life. Life *is* communication and interactive movement-flow. The universe *is* telepathic.

But there’s no intellectual dialectic or logic in it at all, so the intellect worries it can get lost in this stuff ! Maybe thats where trust comes in.

trust = social faith
faith = divine trust

I now see how events can have many aspects:

nature of joint pops

physical – just joints cracking cartilage ligament etc
magical -bloody obviously something pretty powerful

nature of a feeling I get in belly

physical aspect is tummy rumble
magical is agony thunderclap damnation

rolling and clicking your neck – feels nice – looks agressive

going slightly weak and wobbly at the knees and ankles – feels nice, taken as submission sometimes

eyes widen – aggression – flirtation

So you then have a mixture of agression and flirtation – the caveman technique of pulling birds which I once despaired was the only thing in my erotic skillset.

I now see also how women are “permitted” to show more feelings, to possess and own them more. And I also see how hard our models of masculinity are, i notice how a man breaks into feeling for a moment then puts it away again and returns to his body lock, where the body is pumped and “big”. But the body locked is an aggressive body, and I have noticed how eastern men do not have body lock so much, forgive the generalisation!

The biggest of all my observations is kids: only children can flood feeling naturally out of themselves. I feel so distressed in supermarkets or wherever where a parent is bullying and snapping at a child. They’re in a state of perfection and the adult neurotic world is trying to stop that as if it is jealous.

I also sense the feelings of animals, and their pain again when a human abuses them emotionally.

What I contrast all this with is my previous over intellectualised way:

The process of doing science/code is problem solving… you get into the habit of looking for solutions, and the problem is “banished” once its solved. This habit get so ingrained that you apply the solution mentality to other regions of your personal reality and the result can be a problem.

Developing code is encapsulation, a chaotic space gets ordered… You take living reality-data and turn it into a machine. But because the infinite-universe doesnt repeat this is of a low mechanical travesty of reality which if you are reallly dumb you will climb into and believe you can inhabit ! Really you’ve created cyclic time and fucked everything up

All Newton’s Fault ??

While alive and in motion in the world I find I notice people and as soon as I have noticed them they notice me back. I call this an encounter…

This is a mystery of all physics… The bars of the newtonian prison were made from the unbreakable prejudice that an observer could accomplish his observation without interfering with the system he viewed. In dealing with the material world this was at best forgivable, yet still wrong. In dealing with sentient beings such as humans and animals it is not even forgivable. How many times, as the Boomtown Rats sang, have you sensed when there is “someone looking at you”? You can sense this easily, and of course you will often then look up and an encounter, however brief is initiated.

so the others observation of you has not been something that didnt touch or influence your sphere, since you noticed/felt it. and then when you look up and clock each other fully there will be judgements made and emotions will flow, however minimally.

This cannot really be understood under the lens of ordinary physics which could easily posit a light ray bouncing from your body into the others eye without you noticing. a better paradigm is that you felt a consciousness nearing your sphere, as you naturally would, and then your and their consciousness entered into a mutual dance.

In this way you can momentarily be very close to a stranger, and very quickly.

To cut a long story short in all of this, I am not a scientist anymore. Now I’m Dr Who.


Written by Luke Dunn

July 6, 2014 at 9:39 am

5 Responses

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  1. Now ! seems you did read Foucault’s Pendulum ! eh ?

    Arkapravo Bhaumik

    July 6, 2014 at 10:51 am

    • my kaballah goes deep Hindu brother!

      Trip Technician

      July 10, 2014 at 6:05 pm

  2. I like your ending … I’m not a scientist anymore. Now I’m Dr Who. Sounds like a new adventure from a different angle. I’ve often thought about how you can sense people looking at you, and you can get someone’s attention by looking at them across a room. It’s one of the mysteries of life. It’s quite frightening when you imagine, for example, being hunted by a murderer, and having to hide your eyes because they might sense where you are if you look at them. That’s a child’s philosophy, I remember doing this when playing hide and seek as a child. I remember me and my sister marveling over how she found me once in a great hiding place because she felt me watching her.

    Jeanette Moore

    July 6, 2014 at 10:41 pm

    • Jeanette you are kind with your support ! I agree its verrrrrry scary sometimes. I live in an area where there are hate crimes and I do fear. But having to maintain manhood I bury it a little.

      Trip Technician

      July 10, 2014 at 6:06 pm

  3. To avoid repeating in code eliminate the loops. I have been teaching myself j via from the beginning of the year and it has changed my thinking and made me a better programmer even in Python. There are also loopless alternatives like R.


    July 9, 2014 at 12:03 pm

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