writing about my life

God-crazed, unmedicated and proud.

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I am literally not alive unless I am innovating.

But sometimes this leads me to do and say odd things. I need to keep my faith when this happens and remind myself that just because a behaviour cannot be “looked up” in some kind of dictionary of convention that my interlocutors hold unconsciously, doesnt mean it isn’t valid.

Odd speech is sometimes thought an error, and woe betide those who utter it a lot. But my rationale is that “behaviour-space” is a larger domain than “convention-space” and indeed errors and wildness navigate us to new regions of the possible.

so to anyone seen as different: “don’t doubt !!!! do not doubt that you are evolving…and that evolution uses you as a tool !”. Maybe even the Divine has a strange face, like the mysterious Pied Piper. He brought change, but no-one knew where he had come from or the secret of his magic.

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As is described by current commentaries on Homer, the ancients, people of the stone age etc, had a different conception of the inner life of thought to us. They lived with forces and spirits or deities around them at all times. Maybe childhood recapitulates this.

After all, a younger child has an acceptance that what people do is just what they do, until education and parenting explains to them that what you “think” is a determiner of what you do. Then the usual neurotic pattern is set in play.

According to the fact of personal liberty the “way” a person thinks is part of them, and is best accepted as a given. Trying to modify how someone thinks seems intrusive and possibly unethical. The chief perpetrators of this usually turn out to be people in authority: bosses, teachers, parents… but most importantly here, psychiatric staff.

So when I made my experiment: coming off psychiatric meds and discarding all conventional rationality, I felt like a modern primitive at large in a world I had forgotten to try to understand! Spirits and voices guided me along a mysterious, nay incomprehensible trajectory around the place. And the result: I had some amazing experiences but then I got nabbed and had to go back on the pills.

Liberty under Capitalism

There are so many forces and urgings against liberty… It helps so much to say a mantra like “I can do anything I like in my life”. The usual paranoid thought response is to say stuff like “but you can’t go and kill someone”. This is just a means of silencing or attacking the pursuant of liberty. “I never wanted to!” You’d say.

Our modern system has wrong psychology built deeply into it. There can be a hierarchy of psychological status. Successful people occupy a station well above the ordinary, who in turn are above the deviants, gathered under and harrassed by psychiatry and social services…

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Women prioritise men in terms of suitability and desirability. This ordering is often quite subversive and at odds with the male-centric hierarchies of work and personal politics. Geeky guys sometimes get beautiful chicks, and so on…

Your thoughts are the chief object of a shrink’s attention. You will be at all times and in all places cognizant of the different decisions and reactions that are required from you as a mad person. Most of this is internal as the naked “chaos” of your sick mind is perpetually papered over and re-conditioned.

Most of this will be done by you as you play “Uncle Tom” to their power.

Modern Times are where the world around us is “what has always been”. This eternal order is seen as unchanging and even at its worst divinely ordained. Capitalism is rendered as “A State of Nature” in glorious self-perpetuation.

But a bulwark of this same order that I percieved is a subtle process: the medicalisation of human unhappiness.

There have always been Normal people and, sob, always the Abnormal ones. This is the stratum of reality that few see. I had to start to see it because I was plunged into the role of “mentally ill”.

I never knew about the psychiatric demi-monde until I joined it. Our funny little underworld where we all hang out in the scene and forgive each other. Our amnesty where being mad is ignored so that in our desperation we can just stay belonging. Once bfore I was ill a runaway patient attached herself to me on a Canterbury train ride. She was drawn to my kindness but I didnt know what to do, so I consigned her into the hands of the police…

Now I would take her as one of my own.

My conclusion about my experiences are many, but primary is the view that most of conventional psychology is wrong. It rather exists to justify the status quo of how human nature is permitted / expected to be. It creates a fence to demarcate the possible from the impossible for humans.


Written by Luke Dunn

August 19, 2014 at 3:48 pm

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